Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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