need another drink. this is the easiest way
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
