I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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