Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
