i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
