I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I need to stop coming to work sober
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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