it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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