It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
When did angry sex become our thing?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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