Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Alive.
So much puke
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
