Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
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Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
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You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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