so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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