Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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