8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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