I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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