im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
