Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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