My Higher Power is John Stamos
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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