She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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