Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
