im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.