i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
