I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
