The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
