It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
