I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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