I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
