Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
