i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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