mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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