Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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