apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize