Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
