How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
