looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
