She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
