hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.