i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
