tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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