how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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