There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
