my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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