Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
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What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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