im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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