I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
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my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
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the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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