Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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