i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
