what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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