did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
