my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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