You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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