can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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