my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
