Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
