i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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