I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How does one acquire holy water?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
