At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
