I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
When are your genitals available?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
